You’ve tried. You’ve cried. Now you’re wondering: Is it over? You don’t wantto end your relationship. Research suggests that marriage can be good for your well-being. But there may come a time when staying together just isn’t healthy anymore. When do you throw in the towel? There are no hard-and-fast rules (every relationship is different), but here are some signs of serious trouble.
You’ve lost all respect for your partner — or her for you. If one of you is doing things that are counter to the other person’s deeply held values, or simply not being supportive of what the other holds dear, that’s a sign that respect is gone, says Beverly Engel, a California-based marriage and family therapist, and author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. Other bad signs include a lack of trust or a sense of disgust.
You just can’t stand the sight of your partner. “If you feel depressed when you come home and see him/her or dread spending time together,” these are signs that your relationship is not good for your emotional health, says psychologist Constance Ahrons, PhD, author of the The Good Divorce.
You hold on to bad patterns that sabotage the relationship. Does your teasing always become nasty? Does every conversation end in an argument? Do you avoid intimacy? Ahrons suggests writing things down to look for a pattern. ‘Sometimes people don’t realize what’s going on until they see that something has happened three, four, 10 times,’ she says.
You aren’t willing to work on the big issues. If you’ve given one another every chance to mend your ways and there’s no shift in to try counseling. Another bad omen: you’re not willing behavior, time’s up, Engel says.
If she’s being abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually. Get out now! No need to discuss.
Graceful exits
A breakup doesn’t have to be ugly. Accept your share of responsibility for the soured relationship and thank your soon-to-be ex for whatever she added to your life. If that’s too tough for you to talk about in person, write a letter. It may be healing for both of you.